Conducting difficult conversations

At times an honest but challenging conversation is the only way out of a complex situation. Speaking up can come with the risk of losing the respect of a colleague, losing control over emotions or being proved wrong. However, hard talks tend to surface pretty much everywhere and avoiding them is not a productive solution. Here's some guiding principles to help you out! 

Manage your own state of mind and frame the conversation beforehand:

• Do not delay hard conversations, but check your emotional shape to avoid bursting out in anger and creating awkward scenes.
• Acknowledge your colleagues feelings if you need to postpone the conversation. Promise to get back to the subject on a given date and time.
• Not the first thing in Monday, not the last thing in Friday. Choose neutral territory (e.g. a conference room).

Know your objective and how to convey your message:

• What goals are you trying to achieve? Does it make sense and is it realistic? Can you alter your expectations?
• Specify your bounds and keep it constructive. Decide what you will say and won't say, and think what kind of information your colleague needs to hear.
• Try to understand your colleague's point of view and what are the actual reasons and motivations behind choices and behaviors. Are there explanations for the things that annoy you? Are you being fair? Review the situation neutrally.
• Think of organizational rules and aspects of company culture that can get you through the conversation! 
• Use a trusted person (e.g. HR staff) as a soundboard, if needed.
• You could ask for a neutral third party to join the meeting. The person is not going to pick sides.

Make the conversation mutual, open and constructive:

• Focus on the issue in hand and the impact of the behavior, not in how you feel disrespected.
• There is no winners or losers in this game. Align your face, tone and body to this. Keep it neutral and clear.
• Pause for a moment and check where the conversation is going. Avoid repeating yourself excessively.

If emotions start to burst...

• Don't respond to anger or apologize something you did not do. Try "I don't know what to say/ This is unexpected/ What shall we do next?".
• If you were wrong, apologize immediately and that's it. Don't keep explaining and explaining.
• Stay calm and respond as neutrally as possible to lying, threatening, stonewalling, crying, sarcasm, shouting, silence and accusing. 
• Control your emotions in tense moments – more tips here.
• Be aware of your vulnerable spot (e.g. tendency towards conscientiousness and guilt)

In short, keep your content clear, keep your tone neutral, and keep your phrasing temperate.  If you are interested in the topic, we recommend to get a copy of HBR Guide to Office Politics or read about difficult conversations here (HBR).

Hope this summary was useful – bonne courage!

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Thirteen AWiB ladies broke bread and shared best practices in our Office Politics Round Table last Wednesday. We are currently planning to have another Round Table event around the topic later this year.